Barack “bitter” loser

In response to exit polls showing Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary election with a wide margin of church goers (59%) and gun owners (58%), Barack Obama opined that his campaign needs more support from the “bitter”.  In order to garner support from said group, Obama announced this morning a new campaign position to better address the issue for the upcoming Indiana and North Carolina primaries.  “America’s delusional fanatics and gun-violence enthusiasts just need a little more angst, a little more audicity, and we think we can give it to them,” explained the charismatic presidential hopeful to enthralled and sometimes fainting supporters, “that’s why I’m naming my good friend, mentor, and spiritual advisor Jeremiah Wright as my new official Bitterness Czar.  Can we rile them?  Yes we can!”

Although never having heard invective from the pulpit himself, Obama pointed to reports of Wright’s 20 year history of rants on the impossibility of peaceful race relations in the US as an impeccable track record for the kind of acrimony he is sure will send Indiana and North Carolina worshipers and 2nd Amendment believers back over to his camp.


Campaign Slogan Proxy War


In a final flurry of frantic campaigning on the day of the hotly contested Pennsylvania Primary, both hopefuls knock hard on each other’s campaign slogans in an effort to discredit each other’s bid for the Democrat presidential nomination.  “It’s not enough to say ‘Yes we can.’, ” decries New York Senator and recovering duck-and-cover performance artist Hillary Clinton in a direct assault on Barack Obama’s audaciously hopeful refrain, “We have to say how we can.”

Official Clinton campaign sources are reportedly mulling over the 34th change to Clinton’s own campaign slogan to capitalize on the crowd’s warm response to her attack, contemplating a move from “I’m in it to win it.” to “How can we?”  This apparent instability of message is chalked up as a strength, mirroring the rapid and revolutionary transformation of society promised by the candidate.

By contrast, staunchly firm and rigidly unwavering in his rock-solid, time-tested and changeless motto “Change we can believe in”, Obama, Senator and Trinity United Church of Christ absentee from Illinois, defended his slogan by noting how new and fresh his politics of bitterness were.  “I’m asking Pennsylvanians to believe,” he reaffirms, “in me so they don’t have to cling to guns or religion.”

Al Gore – No climate progress

From PA Pundit

In an interview with Britain’s The Sun newspaper, Al Gore, former White House number 2 and Nobel decorated climate crisis combat veteran, complained that the world is not reponding appropriately to his $24 Million earning documentary An Inconvenient Truth by making enough progress in the war against the causes and effects of global climate change.  “I have to say”, the increasingly rotund private jet-riding magnate of all cap-and-trade carbon currency schemes muses, “the situation has not improved since I made the movie in 2006”.  Indeed.  Not only have the world’s leaders collectively failed, in the last two years, to “correctly” label the planet’s major source of plant food as a pollutant, but the climate itself has failed to continue its warming trend.

Gore’s logical response to this lack of improvement is to refuse to entertain debate on his theories and to spend even more of other people’s money in a $300 Million ad campaign to inject more urgency into his calls for converting carbon into a tradable currency so his personal investments in carbon offset companies can further offset his frequent Gulfstream footprints and his home’s 20 times the national average energy consumption bill.  Also in the works is his project for a sequel to his documentary, reportedly to be entitled “An increasingly urgent inconvenience”.  Studies are still inconclusive on whether the sun will comply with Gore’s proposed global legislation program to regulate its role in the warming of the earth.