In response to exit polls showing Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary election with a wide margin of church goers (59%) and gun owners (58%), Barack Obama opined that his campaign needs more support from the “bitter”. In order to garner support from said group, Obama announced this morning a new campaign position to better address the issue for the upcoming Indiana and North Carolina primaries. “America’s delusional fanatics and gun-violence enthusiasts just need a little more angst, a little more audicity, and we think we can give it to them,” explained the charismatic presidential hopeful to enthralled and sometimes fainting supporters, “that’s why I’m naming my good friend, mentor, and spiritual advisor Jeremiah Wright as my new official Bitterness Czar. Can we rile them? Yes we can!”
Although never having heard invective from the pulpit himself, Obama pointed to reports of Wright’s 20 year history of rants on the impossibility of peaceful race relations in the US as an impeccable track record for the kind of acrimony he is sure will send Indiana and North Carolina worshipers and 2nd Amendment believers back over to his camp.