Previously peaceful rhetoric from “progressive” blogs The DailyKos and The Huffington Post turned to spiteful words for the Democratic candidates over the last week as the hopefuls held interviews with cable-news-channel-non-grata Fox News. Claiming it legitimizes what they see as right-wing media bias, the blogs aimed invective at Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for courting actual viewers. “I don’t think that it is tenable to completely neglect or ignore what your base wants,” opined Ari Melber, correspondent for The Nation, another liberal hub in the New Media, “and our base definitely doesn’t want actual people to be exposed to our true agenda.”

Upstaged by Hillary Clinton’s real-life antics, we temporarily pause our satirical approach to report as deadpanned-ly as possible that the sole candidate with ovaries is out of touch with the regular Americans she claims to have always been one with. Perhaps the result of having missed her morning coffee, she gaffed on an interview with Fox’s Bill O’Reilly claiming that Democrat rival Barack Obama’s involvement with his anti-American and racist pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright was not interesting to the American people (O’Reilly assured her that ratings are through the roof). She then proceeded to relate in a People magazine interview that her dream date (if approved by the philandering husband who never asked her approval for any of his own trysts) would be with a Republican (and a dead one at that). Finally, during a publicity stunt in support of her windfall profits tax proposal on Big Oil, she was forced to admit unfamiliarity with the mechanincal wonder called a gas pump, with the excuse that she hadn’t pumped her own gas in years. We won’t comment on whether it’s out of touch or not to not know what Red Bull is.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama’s hopes to stay above race-based identity politics took a dive this week as his former pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright defended his views before the Washington DC National Press Club that the US government is guilty of terrorism, created AIDS and disseminated crack cocaine to destroy black neighborhoods, and needs to adopt communistic principles in order to solve the racial divide Wright is endeavoring so hard to keep open.  Barely controling his bitterness at not having attended 20 years-worth of sermons where Wright’s racist and anti-American views were made known, Obama, contrary to his own deeply held convictions that bitterness should drive people to cling to religion, rhetorically dropped-kicked his pastor in a press conference yesterday.  In response to questions about the timing of his disavowal of Wright, Obama protested that this had nothing to do with his flagging campaign, that he was indeed a new kind of politician able to rise above racial politics, the politics of hate, and the politics of personal destruction, that he most certainly had never lied to the American people about his relationship with Rev. Wright, and that the communistic principles espoused in his own campaign platform were in no way inspired or encourage by his former spiritual advisor.

Americans prove they can organize according to socialistic principles (circa Jimmy Carter administration)

On reports of record oil company profits this quarter both Democrat presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and HIllary Clinton reiterated their policies to punish the American people for investing so wisely.  Their plan is first to force the oil price itself higher by limiting supply, exploration and refining possibilities, then to attack at the consumer end by imposing a “windfall profits” tax on the producers to be passed down and added to the purchase price.  Together, these two controls should bring profits down, increase dependence on foreign oil sources, and tank the retirement funds of many millions of Americans, not to mention increase the price at the pump and/or create shortages.  Liberal Democrats are reportedly excited about the prospect of reviving Jimmy Carter era gas lines as examples of American organization skill.

Reacting to press coverage, bi-racial Democrat presidential hopeful Barack Obama heartily accepted the implications of his former pastor’s explanation of the racial divide in intelligence today.  Rev. Jeremiah Wright, in a speech to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People assembly in Detroit over the weekend generalized that whites were left-brained analytically-minded folk, while blacks had a monopoly on the right-brained more creative and intuitive side of intelligence.  This theory suggests, of course, that Senator Obama, as a precisely 50/50 mixed-race individual, is the only candidate in full possession of both sides of his brain.  Senator Hillary Clinton objected that her estrogen levels more than compensated for any difference in IQ between her and her apparently double brain functioning opponent.  On the Republican side, presumptive nominee and immanently polite Senator John McCain fervently demanded Republicans not run ads taking advantage of the lack of intelligence of either of his Democrat challengers based on their choices of pastors and/or spouses.

Former Survivor contestant and lone conservative voice on ABC’s all women panel talk show The View, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, was stripped of her credentials as a female by her co-hosts on Thursday’s show.  Making the radical suggestion that people would support a presidential candidate based on his or her qualifications and stances on the issues rather than solely on his or her phenotype, the white Hasselbeck was first deemed non-black by co-host, comedienne and one-time Ted Danson lover Whoopi Goldberg.  “It’s a very white way to look at it,” former failed radio talk show hostess Goldberg concluded, “In fact, that’s a very white male way to look at it.”  The conversation quickly excluded Hasselbeck, a democratic vote was taken, and Hasselbeck was left to fulfill the remainder of her contract with the View as the lone conservative and the lone male voice on the panel.  Hasselbeck’s NFL quaterback husband is contesting the results of the election.

Groups allied with bad-boy-in-a-beard Osama Bin Laden’s infamous Islamic extremist terror group Al-Qaeda are becoming increasingly sheepish about innocent victims dying for the cause according to the LA Times’s Josh Meyer. Al-Qaeda number two, video news-anchor and chief public relations correspondant, Ayman Al-Zawahiri, responded in a lengthy internet “scroll” detailing Bin Laden’s sincere apology for the inevitable errors that occur as part of the hazards of explosive devices planted in public areas. Feeling the recruitment squeeze from the PR backlash, Zawahiri dodged, claiming to have no idea that innocents were ever among the targets of his organization’s efforts, then moved on to damage-control pledging from henceforth to accept only the high-functioning mentally handicapped as suicide martyr candidates.

In response to exit polls showing Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary election with a wide margin of church goers (59%) and gun owners (58%), Barack Obama opined that his campaign needs more support from the “bitter”.  In order to garner support from said group, Obama announced this morning a new campaign position to better address the issue for the upcoming Indiana and North Carolina primaries.  “America’s delusional fanatics and gun-violence enthusiasts just need a little more angst, a little more audicity, and we think we can give it to them,” explained the charismatic presidential hopeful to enthralled and sometimes fainting supporters, “that’s why I’m naming my good friend, mentor, and spiritual advisor Jeremiah Wright as my new official Bitterness Czar.  Can we rile them?  Yes we can!”

Although never having heard invective from the pulpit himself, Obama pointed to reports of Wright’s 20 year history of rants on the impossibility of peaceful race relations in the US as an impeccable track record for the kind of acrimony he is sure will send Indiana and North Carolina worshipers and 2nd Amendment believers back over to his camp.

In a final flurry of frantic campaigning on the day of the hotly contested Pennsylvania Primary, both hopefuls knock hard on each other’s campaign slogans in an effort to discredit each other’s bid for the Democrat presidential nomination.  “It’s not enough to say ‘Yes we can.’, ” decries New York Senator and recovering duck-and-cover performance artist Hillary Clinton in a direct assault on Barack Obama’s audaciously hopeful refrain, “We have to say how we can.”

Official Clinton campaign sources are reportedly mulling over the 34th change to Clinton’s own campaign slogan to capitalize on the crowd’s warm response to her attack, contemplating a move from “I’m in it to win it.” to “How can we?”  This apparent instability of message is chalked up as a strength, mirroring the rapid and revolutionary transformation of society promised by the candidate.

By contrast, staunchly firm and rigidly unwavering in his rock-solid, time-tested and changeless motto “Change we can believe in”, Obama, Senator and Trinity United Church of Christ absentee from Illinois, defended his slogan by noting how new and fresh his politics of bitterness were.  “I’m asking Pennsylvanians to believe,” he reaffirms, “in me so they don’t have to cling to guns or religion.”

In an interview with Britain’s The Sun newspaper, Al Gore, former White House number 2 and Nobel decorated climate crisis combat veteran, complained that the world is not reponding appropriately to his $24 Million earning documentary An Inconvenient Truth by making enough progress in the war against the causes and effects of global climate change.  “I have to say”, the increasingly rotund private jet-riding magnate of all cap-and-trade carbon currency schemes muses, “the situation has not improved since I made the movie in 2006″.  Indeed.  Not only have the world’s leaders collectively failed, in the last two years, to “correctly” label the planet’s major source of plant food as a pollutant, but the climate itself has failed to continue its warming trend.

Gore’s logical response to this lack of improvement is to refuse to entertain debate on his theories and to spend even more of other people’s money in a $300 Million ad campaign to inject more urgency into his calls for converting carbon into a tradable currency so his personal investments in carbon offset companies can further offset his frequent Gulfstream footprints and his home’s 20 times the national average energy consumption bill.  Also in the works is his project for a sequel to his documentary, reportedly to be entitled “An increasingly urgent inconvenience”.  Studies are still inconclusive on whether the sun will comply with Gore’s proposed global legislation program to regulate its role in the warming of the earth.